Self talk

Normally when I pass by a mirror I scowl at my appearance and remind myself how terrible I look and how much I'm aging.  This morning, for the first time in a reeeally long time, when I caught a glimpse of myself, I thought,  "oh!  Not TOO bad."   At that moment,  didn't feel like I looked tired and haggered, or that my stomach looked fat or my skin looked dull and sagging.  Just in that one instant I felt ok.

That's gone now.  I might have still been half asleep when I caught that glimpse.  Cause for the rest of the day today, all day, I've been beating myself up.   For stupid choices, stupid things I've said and done and everything else that I've contributed to getting myself to where I am now.

I'm wondering how I am possibly going to be able to do well in school this semester, with so much else jamming up my brain.   I really can't think of a recent time when I didn't have some negative self talk happening during waking hours. I spend most of every day thinking about all of my flaws and bad choices.  That needs to stop.... but first, I suppose I need to do something I can be happy and or proud of.

I guess school could possibly be that thing.

Mostly, what's getting me down lately is that I'm lonely.  Obviously, I'm in no position to handle a real personal relationship with a man right now.  I'm way too big a mess to invite more into this.... but with that said, it would be nice to have some company at night once in a while.  I'm only human for Christ's sake.