Keepin it... for now.

"I need my pain.  It makes me who I am.  It makes me Grumpy."  -Grumpy, "Once Upon A Time" abc.

More than just a few people have let me know how crazy this whole marriage, separation and divorce thing has made me.  I've been told that I have anger issues.  I've been told that I need to "talk to someone" about my feelings.  I've been told that "I have too much on my plate right now" to get involved with.  One person commented, "you're not over your divorce yet...."   Well, no.  I'm not.  Kind of hard, or more accurately, impossible to get over something that hasn't occurred yet.

I agree with all these thoughts.   Well, except for the last one about "not being over it" cause well, that's just stupid.  In fairness, the guy that said it isn't that smart.  I AM angry.  I'm hurt.  Very badly hurt and angry.  I challenge someone to find me a person that can take all the shit that I've taken in stride.  Shouldn't I be a little insane, for my own survival?  If I were to try to function on the same plane as every "normal" person walking through life right now, wouldn't I THEN actually be truly crazy??  I realize that this is a bit of backwards thinking..  But seriously, how exactly should I be acting right now?  The way I see it, I'm surviving, and functioning at as high a level as I possibly can to keep myself and my kids clean and fed and going through the days completing our responsibilities without stopping to have a major breakdown at any point.

Now, if I were Demi Moore, or any other celebrity/ millionaire, I might have the luxury of becoming "exhausted" and spend some time in a cushy hospital room somewhere hiding from the world for a bit while someone else handles my kids and my responsibilities.  Unfortunately, I don't fit that criteria, so I just have to keep coasting on through,  dancing along the shaky line of insanity.

For now, and until this divorce and all of it's messiness is done, I NEED to hold onto the pain and anger.  It gives me the resolve I need for the fight.  There were times over the past two years when I let my guard down, and allowed myself to enjoy days and weekends spending time with John and the boys around family and friends pretending that life was good.  Those were the times that I dropped the ball.  I let the anger go for a little bit and became vulnerable.  And sure enough, he would stomp on me every time. Take advantage of my kindness and continue to screw me over.  So yeah, for now, I'm staying hurt, and angry and strong for the fight that's coming.

Now, with that said, I've got a very simple mantra to keep the crazy at bay somewhat:  "sober till single."   Because when I'm going through any particularly difficult patch of this road I'm on and self medicate with pinot grigio, THAT is when the crazy slips out.  So, the plan for now is, sober till I'm single... which is really symbolic.  It doesn't mean that the minute my divorce is final I'm going to go out and tie one on.  What I mean is, try to avoid any drinks at all until I feel like I'm back in a good place again.  Mentally, financially, socially, across the board, in a good place.   I think I can then file the crazy back into it's folder and tuck it away for a rainy day and start living my days happily in the sun again. 

So, that's the plan.  6 days until my next divorce hearing and I'm down right giddy about it.  Will he show up this time?  Will he have a lawyer?  I donno.  But something's gonna happen and I have a feeling it's gonna go my way.  Also 6 days till my class starts.  Went to campus yesterday to get my parking permit and give a down payment on my tuition payment plan.  I'm on my way, bitches.... for real this time.