Crumbling

I wish I could see any part of me in my first son, J.  He is the picture of his father's family (only better looking, of course.)   When I'm sitting next to, or behind him, I can very clearly see his paternal grandfather's profile.  I haven't even seen his paternal grandfather (John's father) all that many times, but the similarity rings so true, there's no missing it.  The way his ears sit and the exact shape of them is uncanny.   His bright blue eyes slant down in a sad tear shape, just like his father's. 
The only part of me I can find in his ears is when he's tired or sick.  The tips of my ears get crimson red when I'm tired or coming down with something.  And so do J's.  He's got my disproportionately long limbs.  His torso is just for holding his organs--- his body was meant for long limbs... not sure what he'll do with all those arms and legs, but he's got plenty to work with, compliments of Mama.  Athletics? I hope.  His dad's family has NO shortage of athletic talent.  It courses through their veins.  Not through discipline or years of grooming.. no, the C's have athleticism surging through them.  And thank God, cause I'm about as athletic as the day is short.  J's got it.  So does R.  In very different ways.

He's been having some emotional episodes lately.  My poor baby.  That's one thing he got from me, I guess.  He cries, unprovoked.  Just breaks into tears.  Real tears.  Not the kind that a kid uses to get attention.  The kind that he tries to hide but can't.  I haven't pinpointed a definite trigger yet, although, last night it was when we tried to call John for the good night call.  John answered, and the moment he heard his dad's voice, J broke into silence and ran inside.  I chased after him and found him buried under a blanket with his lower lip swollen and curled over on itself.  He was too sad to talk, he told me.  He couldn't verbalize why.  I gently forced him to talk to me over the course of about 40 minutes, from start to finish.  I asked him if he remembered when we all lived together, and if that made him sad.  We talked a lot about why Daddy doesn't live with us, and everything that goes along with that sort of conversation.  We went over the facts revolving around why me and his dad aren't married anymore--- because I discovered that his daddy wasn't actually my true love like I thought he was (break it down Disney style--- thank you to my twin sister for giving me that idea).  He asked me if I'm ever going to find out who my real true love is.  Ooooh, J... from your lips to God's ears.   He wound up trying to comfort me by telling me, "I hope no one else ever marries you Mommy, cause really I'M going to marry you when I'm a grown up!"   --- what could be better than that :)