Starting all over again.

It's been just over a year since leaving my husband.  I'm not sure what happened when I woke up today, but something finally connected for me.  I realized that it's time to get out and get a job.  A real job. I was dreaming about going back to school for nursing, and was excited about that for a while.  But realistically, that would mean about 2 more years of school, and more financial hardships. So, I guess it's time to start getting real with myself.

I HATE the idea of dropping my boys off at a daycare somewhere for 8 hours and not seeing them until dinner time.  I really do.  It makes me sad in my heart.  I just think of all the things I'll miss.  The crazy quirky things they say, and do.  I hate that when they fall and get hurt, it will be some other woman picking them up and putting on a band aid.  I want to be the one to scoop them up in my arms and smother them with hugs and kisses and love.

The other trade-off that is discouraging to me, is location logistics.  I want to get a job near where I live, which will mean significantly lower pay than if I were to commute to Manhattan.  But I'm not willing to waste another 2-4 hours a day traveling. Even less time from the boys.  And, it is going to have to be a full time job.  Obviously, for the money, but more importantly, for health benefits.  Once I start working "on the books" I will no longer be eligible for medicaid.  Sucks. This whole thing sucks. 

I started a family with the belief and understanding that I was going to be a full time Mom.  Yes, I had planned on working 2 nights a week at the Sheraton for extra money, benefits, and a little "me" time, but that didn't work out. I am supposed to be home with my babies.  But I guess that time is coming to an end.  I started looking through the want ads in the local paper.  I guess it's time to update my resume, and more importantly, to start REALLY valuing every minute I have with my boys.