Faking It

One of the toughest things for me to do, as a Mom going through a divorce from a man I despise most days, is keeping a positive attitude about him verbally to my boys.   I make every effort in my life to be honest at all cause.  Being married to a compulsive liar for so many years has really made me so very against lies in every shape and form.  I realized that in life, everyone has to tell some white lies for different reasons.  Whether it's to prevent hurting someone else's feelings, or protect them from something or someone.  But I try really hard to always be honest, especially with my boys.  God forbid that compulsive lying and sociopath tendencies are genetic, I want to do everything in my power to teach them that honesty really is the best policy. I hope that my nurture can overpower John's nature.

With that said, I absolutely HATE having to act cheerful and happy about their father.  They love him.  They put him up on a pedestal.  Of course they do.  When they see their daddy, it's all fun and games.  It's cookies and candy and running and playing, and watching tv, and soda and staying up late.  What's not to love?  They are blissfully unaware of his irresponsibility, his crimes and indiscretions.   They have no idea that when I tell them "Daddy can't come because he has to work today" --that what that really means is:  "Daddy is in jail."  or "Daddy has a court appearance"  or worst of all, "Daddy just can't be bothered."  When they tell me that they want to go to Daddy's house, or see him, or tell me how much they love him, it takes every ounce of my being to talk about him in a positive way.  I don't know how long I'll have to keep this up before they start putting all the pieces together for themselves.

I am both dreading that day, and looking forward to it at the same time.  Dreading it because of the hurt and pain they will feel as a result of learning all the hard truths about him.  Looking forward to it, because I won't have to keep up the lies and stories.  Maybe by then he will have had a complete turn around and start living a good normal productive life.  More likely than not, he will be in prison or dead.