So today was the day that I handed my dogs, Belly and Scout over to John. Bittersweet. As soon as we got out of the car, the black lab from next door, Domo, came running over to check out his new friends. All tails were wagging and they all acted friendly, so I let my dogs out of their crate to play and explore their new place. They went crazy. John's property that he's living on is sprawling acres of beautifully manicured lawns and trees, and the border of that property is met by a golf course. Breathtaking, really. And the pups LOVED it. They, and their new friend, Domo, ran and ran and played and explored. It made me feel really good about my decision to bring them there to live. I know that they will be much happier there then they have been here.
The boys had a good time too. There's lots of good climbing trees in his yard, so they had fun running and climbing and playing in that huge yard that seems to have no borders and no boundaries. "
I, or, We, got the pups the same weekend we got married. We were living in midtown at the time, and I had wanted to get a dog for a while. I grew up with dogs, and felt incomplete without one. In NYC, to get a small dog that would be happy in an 850 sq foot apartment was pricey. But my sister was living in Florida at the time, and came across my pups. It started with one, but then, after a long story, we got two. She flew in for my wedding, and brought the pups with her. Special delivery. Wedding, and two dogs, automatic family. I had no way of knowing then what I was in for with my new family. And if someone had told me what my future would hold, I NEVER would have believed them. I was at such a high point back then on my wedding weekend.
But back to today..
At around 4:30ish, we went to John's niece's house to meet up with the rest of his family, eat some pizza, play some two hand touch football in the street ("CAAAAAR!!!) . We all met there to get ready to walk together to the "Light The Night Walk" in honor of Noreen. Light the Night is a walk to raise money for awareness and education of cancers of the blood.
I didn't know what to expect the mood to be among the family. But, before hand, everyone was good. Happy and "normal"-- whatever that is. Noreen's husband was quiet and kept himself removed from everyone for a good part of the night, but that is how he has been pretty much since the day we lost Noreen. He can't help it. His heart is truly broken. She was, without doubt, his soul mate.
During the walk, there are volunteers along the route who stand on the sides of the street and cheer you on as you go.. "YAY!! Go Team Noreen!!!" They yelled as we all passed by wearing the Team Noreen t-shirts that we wore last year, when Noreen was there, and walking the walk too. My nephew Mike, got upset. He complained to his Mom that this was NO time for cheering, and that he thought it was inconsiderate for everyone to be cheering and yelling and clapping about cancer. He's 14.. He misses his Aunt, and he doesnt' fully understand the concept that they are cheering for the walkers to continue to fight the fight, that there are a lot walkers that are right smack in the middle of their family's fight against cancer. Those are the ones that need the cheers and the energy to keep fighting. But to Mike, those cheers were a sign of disrespect to him and his family that lost Noreen. He's so little. He'll understand one day.
At the walk, there are hundreds, or maybe thousands of helium balloons that light up. They have blinking lights in them-- hence, "Light the Night." There are white balloons, red, and yellow. The colors are significant. The red balloons are to be carried by all the people who are supporting the cause. They are either friends or family of someone fighting the disease, and/or just there supporting the cause in general. The white balloons are to be carried by the person that is personally fighting the disease right now, or who have beaten the disease. The Yellow balloons are to be carried by the friends and family members who have lost someone to the disease and are walking in their honor. Last year, we carried red and Noreen carried white. This year we all carried yellow. We also carried a few reds in support of those still fighting. But our team was mainly yellow this year... and that was sad.
I talked to John a lot during the walk. We told stories about Noreen, and he kind of "relived" the last few months of her life when we watched her fade away.. It was very sad. I watched many of the family members walk with their heads low. The younger teenagers tossed a football around during the walk to pretend they weren't feeling the emotions.. but it was there. Noreen was there. With everyone. She is so so missed in that family. I've said it before, but I'll say it again. She was the glue. She was the ONE. She kept them all going and close, despite the madness that is their history.
So, after all was said and done, we headed back to the house of John's niece for dessert and coffee. I put the boys in their pj's and strapped them in their car seats.
About two minutes into the ride home, J asked me where Scout and Belly were.... fuck, not now.. not when you're exhausted and emotional..
"They're gonna stay at Daddy's house. "
"But why?"
"Well, because they're not very happy at our house because they're not allowed to run all over, or sit and snuggle with us on the couch like they used to, or come on our beds like they used to like.. they have to stay in the hallway ALL the time, and that makes them feel sad. They want to be able to run and play, and snuggle and be with people, and Daddy will let them do that at his house."
Tears. So many tears. He started crying and telling me how much he loves them, and how much they love him.. He wants me to turn around and pick them up and bring them back!!! NOW! Please!!
My heart shattered. He was hysterical, and then I got hysterical. There we were, on the NYS Thruway, crying our eyes out, as my little guy R, started to panic and beg us to stop crying, shouting, "Mommy, PLEEEASE be happy!!!" fucking A.
So that sucked. They both fell asleep on the long drive home, thank God. and that brings me to now. Putting all of my thoughts and feelings HERE, and out of my head and heart so that maybe, I might be able to sleep tonight.
"Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance."--- Garth Brooks, The Dance
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