Envy

I often wonder what it would feel like if I were in a normal marriage with "normal" finances..  No better or no worse than just the norm.  I find myself envying so many of my  facebook friends when I see pictures and/or status updates of them with their husbands being out and about.  Same goes for my real life friends and family when I listen to them recount their vacations or recent dinner dates.   I wonder if they have a babysitter or if their children are with their Grandparents?  How nice it must be to be able to afford to pay someone to come and play, and be with your children so that you can get out and relax.  Or to have parents that are so willing to come over and spend time with their Grandchildren just for the sake of spending time and spoiling them. 

I envy those that seem to really love and even LIKE their spouses!  After years together, and kids, and ups and downs they still go out and have fun together.

I wonder how much different I might be around my own boys if I had the luxury of leaving the house without them once a week.  Would they be more well adjusted?  Would they still flip out and cry hysterically when I leave for 5 minutes to go buy milk, or would it be so normal to them, and might they even be excited when a babysitter comes over because the babysitter is more fun than Mommy?

I'll never have answers to those questions, I guess.  I got annoyed at something my Mom said this afternoon.. something stupid and petty.  Right away, it put me in a pissy mood and so, par for the course, I turned around and starting snapping at my kids.  So unfair to them.  I'm glad I realized I was doing it after a few minutes and pulled myself together.
It made me feel mad all over again about having to live here with my Mother during these toddler years with my boys.  I'll never get these years with them back,  and I often feel like the living situation and the often negative energy in the air is tainting these times and future memories for me.  I hate that I feel like I'm constantly on defence when it comes to the way my Mother talks to them.  

Sooo, I guess I didn't have such a great day today.  No butterflies mating in the garden or blue birds chirping zippideedoodah...  just a hot humid day in a house where I am not allowed to turn on the a.c. in a situation where I can't afford a place of my own to blast the a.c.