100th Post.

And I've got nothin.   Blogger.com keeps stats for you when you blog on this website.  It keeps track of how many posts you have written, how many people are reading, and from where, etc.  Today, THIS blog, is apparently my 100th entry.  And I'm kind of blogger blocked.  I've had some thoughts going through my mind that could potentially turn into entries, but no particular subject or "story" that I've felt compelled to write about this week.  
I follow another blog on this website.  http://frompradatopayless.blogspot.com/  It's a blog that chronicles the life and times of a woman around my age- wife and mother of 3, who is facing the foreclosure of her home.   She was at one time, in the fashion industry in NYC, and living the fabulous single life.  She met her true love, settled down, moved out to rural PA, and began a fairytale of a life with her babies and her love.   When the economy dropped out, her husband lost his job, and then, basically, shit hit the fan.  They have had one stroke of bad luck after another.  It seems no matter how hard she and her husband try, they get slapped in the face and kicked in the groin by lady luck. 
My sister recommended the blog to me awhile back when I was first starting to try to deal with all my own shit because she thought I could relate to a lot of what Erin (the Blogger) and her family were going through.  She was right.  A lot of the same emotions and experiences-- with many many more differences and extremes intermingled in the same general feeling of desperation and despair. 

Which brings me to today's entry.

Last weekend, I went out in Manhattan for my girlfriend's 40th birthday.  Wow. . I hated it.  We spent the majority of the night in a club/lounge on the 40th floor of a building next to the Chrysler building.  Good photo ops, but that's where it ended.  It was young and loud and crowded and obnoxious.  I was with good people-- all former co-workers of mine from the Sheraton years, but I was out of my mind with boredom and misery.  Everyone I was with was texting and talking on their cell phones about our night, and all I kept thinking were two things:  1. At least this will make for decent blogging material.  and 2. I wish I had a way home to bed right now.
After all was said and done, I was glad to be out with my friend that lives just a few blocks away, that I never get to hang out with. When the birthday girl arrived, and a smaller group of us moved on to a regular bar where we shared some drunken laughs and ended the night on a higher note. 

The next day, I checked my bank balance and realized how much the night actually cost me.  I literally cannot leave my house to go anywhere for the next two weeks.  Just to put gas in my car would put me in the negative.  So I sit and try to enjoy the home I live in.

I know I am lucky to have this home.  Granted, it's my parent's home.  But the boys have a room of their own, and so do I.   The back porch doubles as a play room for 3 seasons, and there's a big pool and little swingset in the backyard.   The lights will never be shut off, nor will the water.  There will always be food on the table, and milk in the sippys... even if it's not the menu I would choose or the brand I'd buy.  So for all these things, I am grateful.   This reality is a lot better than the one we recently left behind.

So what am I whining about?
 Love.  I have no one.  I have the unconditional love to and from my children.  The "Mama Bear" type of love that I hold for them.  I have the nurturing supportive love of my parents who are supporting me and my boys throughout all of this.   But romantic love? I have none.  I had plenty of long romantic relationships in my 20's, but those are long gone and forgotten.  The men involved in those dramas are now productive citizens and proud Daddy's of their own families.   I am left alone in this mess.  No one to end the night with.  No one to hunker down with and brain storm and try to come up with a new plan.   No one to just hold me and tell me he'll take care of everything and that it will all be alright.

I want that.  I am grateful for what I DO have.  But I want that.