The girl who cried Crow.

I had to eat some crow today.  I texted John's ex-partner today to ask him if he would let me know if the monthly check had been cashed or deposited and if so, by who.   He replied to me right away.  He told me that the check is running late due to financial difficulties on his end.  It should be to John by Monday or Tuesday.  Crap.  I went OFF on John yesterday. 

I accused him of stealing the money.  I told him that I was going to have him arrested, that he was going to jail where he belongs..  and these are the mild examples of some of my choice words I sent to him via text messages.  He insisted that he did not get the check.  I flipped out and told him that the money absolutely HAD to be in my account today so that Mr Singh could take the monthly $350 out of my checking.   He said he was try to borrow money from someone in his family and put it into my account so that I would not default.  Mind you, that did not happen.  I had a feeling it wouldn't.  I don't know anyone in his family that would lend him money.  No one trusts him.

I felt terrible.    Because I think I must have some degree of post traumatic stress disorder, I am so quick to flip out on him and expect the worst.  It truly is a case of the boy who cried wolf though.  He filled my brain with so much bullshit and lies for so many years, that my auto-response to him is to call him a liar. 
<<<sigh>>>

Damn it.  I sent him an apology.  I told him that I was sorry for some of the really mean things that I said and that I was wrong.  My sisters are going to be mad at me for apologizing... but that's who I am.  When I know I'm wrong, I admit it and I try to make it right.   It's a trait of mine that I'm not going to change. 

So, that's that.  John was telling the truth.  I didn't think he had it in him.