9/11's after the fact

I suppose September 11th will never be the same again for anyone, ever, let alone New Yorkers...
I remember the very first anniversary.  I was up in Situate, MA, visiting my sister.  Her baby girl Erin was almost a year old.  I was single at the time with nothing else to do but go visiting in my time off.

The night of September 11th, we drank some wine.  Then my sister and her husband went to bed.  I drank another bottle by myself.  I kept checking on the "memory candle" on their front stoop.   I couldn't help myself.  I felt helpless.  Like I couldn't do anything for anyone, but I COULD remember them.

As I sat outside smoking a cigarette, I was surprised by a man riding a bike-- my sister had told me about him earlier-- he was "special needs," lived up the street.. he was fine, but was on the bike a lot, so "don't be startled..."   When he saw me and the candles, he was the one that was startled and started shrieking.. I was terrified!  I knew in my heart of hearts that he was harmless, but the way that his scream had broken up my silence was enough.....   and that's when the tears came.

I started bawling. I couldn't stop.  I finally released a full year's worth of sorrow and fear and anxiety.  My sister came running down stairs not knowing what happened.  She held me (weird for us, but great in the moment).  It was so terrible... finally dealing with the grief of it all.. and there was still so much more to come.