Playlist

Isn't it crazy how deeply a song can touch you?  I made myself a new playlist today for the car.  I have a really crazy, eclectic taste when it comes to music.  I tend to like a song and/or artist for the words more so than the music.  It's why you can find anything from rock to country, to rap, r&b, blues, to grunge in my itunes library.   I like listening to the lyrics... I enjoy relating to music on a personal level.  Otherwise, I'm not really interested.  Soooo, my playlists can be really random. 

The theme of the playlist that I was going for  was just "mellow and quiet."   Or at least that was what my conscious mind thought I was making.  I had in mind that I'd be making an hour long trip today, twice, during the hours when the boys should be sleeping.   So, I picked songs that I thought  would be soothing for them, and interesting to listen to for me.
What turned out, unexpectedly, was kind of a remorseful, lost love mix of sorts.  Adele's "someone like you" kicks off the list.. which is ironic, considering those lyrics really don't hold any truth to me... I really love her voice, and the song is great-- it's rare for me to get very attached to a song that doesn't mean anything to me.. unless it's a really great song. 

But the song that caught my attention and held it from that disc was "Always on My Mind" by Willie Nelson.  Such an amazing song.  A classic.   The lyrics, the melody, Willie's grainy, remorseful sound.  I played it over and over..  It woke up an internal dialogue in me.  It got me thinking about how easy it was for me to walk away from my marriage.  I was driving home from bringing the boys to visit my ex.  So he, and my broken marriage were obviously at the forefront of my mind. 
It was so easy for me to walk away from that man, not because of his crimes against me and against others, but because of his NEGLECT of me.  His near total disregard.   The song got me wondering how things might have ended differently if he had been a good husband to me despite his shady criminal acts.  I mean, if he did everything the same, except that he treated me well.  If he continued to treat me the way he did when we were dating and he was trying to win me over.  Held me on a pedestal and willing to do anything for me.  If he payed me attention, and complimented me, or took me out to dinner. 

By the second or third year of our marriage, my birthdays and anniversaries went virtually unnoticed.  The births of my sons meant no special treatment or attention.  I'm not high maintenance by any stretch, but any girl likes a little special treatment every once in a while. I got NO attention... for anything.    If you recall, after the birth of my second son, I didn't have a bed or crib to come home to.  The baby and I slept next to boxes and bags on my unmade bed.
 
So, I wonder... would I have stayed even longer if he was a nice husband?  Maybe I should be grateful that he was such an utterly bad husband.. a bad friend, even.  A bad partner.  There was nothing he was good at when it came to our relationship.  So, I guess I was lucky, in a sense.  Leaving was sweet relief.