I just came home from Target an hour ago. I finally did ALL of my Christmas shopping. All of it done in one hour. I feel horrible. This is the first year, since I was probably about 9 years old, where I couldn't buy presents for my family and people that I love. Just for the boys. I spent $229 on them, that I do not have. I had some of it to pay in cash, the rest I put on my Target credit card, so I saved 5% on the entire purchase (yay!). When I got home, I moved about 75% of that balance from my checking account over to the Target account so that it was as if I paid cash for most of it. The remaining 25% will be paid either the end of next month, before the next billing period if I have any money left from this month's check, OR it'll be paid after the 15th of next month when I get my next check. Waaay too much to think about for only 200beans.
This afternoon was J's Christmas party at his preschool. It was very cute. Santa showed up, the whole nine. He was in Heaven. Not only was Mommy at school, but Santa came too! What could be better than that? I, on the other hand, fought very hard to keep the tears at bay and to put on the happy face the whole time. The gift packages that the other Moms put together were out of control. So over the top. We all had to bring in a book the other day for Santa to give out.. The memo just said to bring in a book for a grab bag, your child may not receive the book you bring. I got mine from the dollar store.. it was cute, it was from Cars- disney cars.. it was about the size of a readers digest, but not as thick. My son winds up with a gigantic Mickey Mouse book of music, complete with an attached piano. COME ON! I felt so bad. So so bad. The other Moms were joking around about how their husbands want to kill them because they've spent $5000+ on Christmas this year. I did some quick math and thought to myself, "wow, I'd of had to have save every single penny since July to have spent that on Christmas... meaning, NO food, clothes, balloons, NOTHING since July to have been able to spend that on Christmas.
Honestly, I need to take a break from this blog. It's just so much. Fucking Christmas and all that goes with it.
....12/23/2011
So I took that little break for 24 hours from this blog. But I'm back now... and don't have much happier things to talk about. Don't get me wrong, I'm SO excited for Christmas morning. Between the stuff I got them, and what my parents got them, they are doing a-o-k this year. But still the feeling of needing to accept help to make Christmas happen, and the irresponsible feeling of spending money I don't have just sucks. Whatever... they're only little one time. The magic will disappear before I know it, and so fuck it.. They can deal with the realities of budgets when they're older and find out that Santa is really a name we place on the spirit of the Christmas Holiday. A concrete image to put on an abstract feeling.
Now, onto more pressing matters. John and I had another fun exchange of texts this afternoon. He wants the boys to spend the night at his house Christmas night. I said no. He told me that if the boys cannot sleep over on Christmas, then just forget it. He says he will come drop off their gifts tomorrow. I was genuinely confused. "What do you mean? If they can't sleep over, then you don't want them there at all?" He went on to tell me that I don't belong at HIS family's Christmas, so no... if they can't sleep over, then they can't come at all. Great. I told him that I don't trust him, and that I will not leave them with him overnight to be driven home by his brother the next day, but that I think it's really fucked up that he won't see them on Christmas. I'm completely overwhelmed by this whole issue.
I hate for the boys to miss Christmas with their dad and their cousins... I really do. They have a huge family on his side, and they have a lot of fun with them. But, I have to trust my instincts.. and my instincts are uncomfortable with them staying with him. He's just NOT responsible.. Fuck me. This whole thing sucks. I don't know what's going to happen yet. One thing I do know is that I'm gonna wind up alone on Christmas. I'll either be at some diner in Rockland County for a few hours while my kids spend Christmas night with their Dad at his family party... or I'll be home alone early without them... while they sleep upstate. Waiting for my lawyer's advice. and feeling shitty about the whole thing.
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Christmas Eve--- an update: I'm NOT taking the boys up to their dad at all. He has made his decision to make it all about him, and not see the boys at all since I won't let them sleep over. So typical. I'm gonna guess that he probably didn't shop for them yet, and that's why he's pulling this nonsense. I asked if he's going to drop off their gifts today, and his reply was that he was "much too upset" to come see them today.
Merry Christmas everyone.
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