Christmas is on it's way. I haven't bought ONE single gift for anyone yet. I'm seriously broke. My car payment and insurance are both due in a few days.. I don't have enough money to pay them both right now. I'm hoping to get some shifts soon. The owner of the seafood restaurant called yesterday to let me know that they would be putting me on the schedule now, and that they'd be in touch to let me know when. Part of me was hoping they'd put me on for tomorrow (Saturday) night. Saturday night would be a good busy shift.. but part of me was glad I haven't heard from them yet because I promised the boys that I would take them upstate to visit their dad tomorrow, and truthfully, I'm really looking forward to going too so I can spend time with my dogs. I miss them, and my heart aches when I come across their pictures and when I think about them.
I'm very lucky in that I know my boys will have a Christmas. My parents have already bought a bunch of toys off of the boy's Christmas list. This is a huge sigh of relief. There are so many families out there who are not so fortunate. Moms and Dads stressing everyday over how they will be able to make Christmas happen this year.
I feel terribly guilty that my parents have taken over the role of Santa. My little family has already been such a financial burden on them, and now this just adds to it. My Mom tries to make me feel better by telling me that her Mother always gave my parents money every year so that we could have great Christmases as kids... But what she doesn't necessarily understand, is that I feel worse about the fact that I cannot repay HER and my Dad with nice Christmas gifts. I would love to buy them something great to show my gratitude.. but that's not going to happen this year, and I feel awful about it.
Just to put some icing on the Christmas cake, I took the fender off my neighbor's truck yesterday. I have never had a car accident before, and I was horrified. I consider myself a pretty good driver. I was pulling into the parking spot in front of my house, and I didn't give myself enough room. I cut to the right too early and my rear passenger side tire well snagged my next door neighbor's fender and popped it right off. I have no idea what I was thinking. I was chatting with J, who I had just picked up from school, and it was a completely absent minded move. I don't even think about it when I'm parking. I park in the same spot several times a day, everyday. I felt horrible. My stomach got tight and sick feeling. Why couldn't the damage have been to MY car???
My neighbors are like family to me. They've lived next door since I was 10 years old, and I am as close to them as I am to any family member. So, they brushed it off as no big deal. Told me not to worry and stop being so upset. That the truck is "just a thing." They are good people, and I'm so happy to have them next door. My Dad and neighbor were out there this morning, popping it back in place and securing it with bolts and an epoxy. Words can't express how grateful I am that it is not going to cost me anything or any repairs. It literally did just sort of clip back in it's place.
Somedays I'm really glad to have this blog to put things down in print. Reading my own thoughts and words are great reminders of how lucky I actually am in the grand scheme of things. I have family and friends that take care of me and my boys, and all of our basic needs, and then some. It's very easy to get caught up in my own "woe is me" stories... but reading this entry back to myself reminds me that it's not so bad after all.
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