The Climb

Tomorrow is the preliminary hearing for my divorce.  Mixed bag of feelings comes with that.  Mostly excited, and anxious with curiosity.  I really have no idea what to expect.  I sat on a jury once for an injury trial.  An iron worker that was hurt on the job.  That's the extent of my knowledge as far as what goes on in court.  I guess I'm at a disadvantage going in, since this will be John's 3rd trial in 3 years.  He's probably got his trial swagger all worked out by now.
I wish Judge Judy was the judge.  She would go to town on John!  I know she'd frown on me too, for being so stupid, but I'd take the abuse just to watch her rip into him... a girl can dream.

Mostly, I'm glad that the trial is starting because it means an end is in sight.  This cycle of chaos has gone on for way too many years.  I stayed in the marriage for much longer than I should have.  I also allowed for way too much time to try to allow him to sign the divorce agreement on his own, without taking it to court.   I knew better than to think he would sign them on his own without a judge forcing his hand.  I'd bet that if someone were to ask him tomorrow, he'd tell them that there's still a chance for us.  He's delusional.  Through out all of this insanity that's gone on between us the past few years, he will still tell me that he is in love with me, and still wants to be a family.  Could you imagine telling someone you love them, and treat them the way he does?  Seriously, certifiable.

So, tomorrow, hopefully will start a new turn.  Continue the upswing that I've been trying to get going lately.  I'm hoping that now that I've finally gotten pro-active about making things happen, that things will start falling into place on their own as well.  My best friend was telling me about a conversation she was having with her friends/neighbors last week.  She was giving them a summary of my life story.. or at least, the story of my life that you all know about here.. the marriage, the break up, the insanity.   She summarized her version of "my story" by saying something like, "but now Judy's in the upswing!  She's got two jobs, going back to school, is interested in going out and dating again, all the fun stuff!"   And it was at that moment that I realized that she's right.  It took me, having to be an outsider looking in-- listening to her tell my story, as though I  was listening to someone Else's tales to realize what a good place I have moved myself into recently.   And it feels good.   Starting the climb.