Breathe.

My feelings and attitude yesterday were anger and resolve to move forward.. today, not nearly as strong.  Yes, I'm still very angry.  Angry about everything.  All day today, I feel like I'm right on the verge of a panic attack.  I feel my heart racing all day.  From the time I got up today, it's been pounding in my chest.  I think about his text telling me that he was hurt or annoyed about the statement that Detective Caddigan gave regarding me leaving him. 
It's so fucking typical of him to try to find someone (me) to blame for his problem.  It's bringing up all the old feelings of rage again.  Ripping open all the old wounds that I've been trying to heal, or at the very least, keep buried somewhere deep where they can't interfere. 
I've had such a productive week with the new jobs, and getting my school stuff organized... and his stupid, obnoxious texts kick me right back down into the dark part of my brain again.  He texted me while I was at work last night to ask if the boys were still awake, and if they could talk. This was at around 7:40-45ish.  I didn't see the text until about an hour later when I was leaving.  I replied to him that I didn't know whether or not the boys were awake because I was at work.
This morning, another text.  This one was telling me that I should give him a heads up when I'm going to be working, so that he can call the boys earlier in the day.   I told him that it's his own fault that I have to work so many shifts, and that I don't always have advance notice of when I'm going to have to work.  If the boss calls, I go in.  He knows how it works- he was a restaurant owner, and a bartender in his former life. 
I realize that I sound cold when I say things like that.  But the thing is, in my opinion, I don't think he really cares about talking to the boys.  I think it pisses him off that HE is not the one in control anymore.  Not in control of what I'm doing, or when I'm doing it, or what information he is, or is not privy to anymore.
 I went on to tell him that if he would stop stealing money from me and the boys, that he wouldn't need to wonder when I was working, because I would be able to be home with the boys, like I should be. 
 I had to drive to the college campus today to try to see an academic advisor about which classes I need to register for in a few weeks.  The entire drive there, my heart continued to race.. I had the fear that I would start to hyperventilate, or have some kind of anxiety attack while I was driving.. I kept taking big long breaths, and left my window open to blast the car with the crisp, cool November air.  I've never had anything like that happen to me-- the kind of attack that makes people pass out, or black out, or hyperventilate... but the way I've been feeling all day today, I imagine this is close to how it must feel right before it happens.
 There was about a 3 hour wait to see an advisor.. I don't have 3 hours to sit around and wait.  I'll have to go back another day, early in the morning and try to be the first one there.

Our divorce court begins on Tuesday.  I've been looking forward to it for a few weeks now.  But, I guess I'm not as tough as I thought because the more I think about court, and the closer the date comes, the more my head starts spinning, and all the memories are coming screaming back to the forefront. 

Just gonna keep breathing long, calm breaths..