I was wretched to my boys today. Just short tempered and strict and mean to them. I hate these days. A combination of sleep deprivation, cabin fever, and a sinus headache made for a miserable Mama. Now, as I peek in on them snuggled in one bed together, looking like little angels, I want to punch myself in the face. I couldn't reel it in. Every time I would catch myself being rotten to them, something else would set me off. Tomorrow, I will do better.
Tomorrow I will try extra hard to have patience with them, and love on them more than usual, and really really try not to raise my voice as much as I do when I'm being a bitchy Mom like today. That's all I can do.. is try. I do love those two little boys more than anything in this world. And I do worry about the impact that I, as a single mother, have on them. I worry about the impact of our life up until this point will have on them through out their childhood and into their adult lives. I know that there's still so much opportunity for big changes and instability ahead of us in our little family. Whether it's having custody battles down the line, or me finally getting on my feet and moving us out of the security of my parent's house.. There's just so much uncertainty ahead.
I realize that no one's life is free of uncertainty, but ours definitely weighs a little heavier in the shaky department than others, I think.
I worry often about my 4 year old. He is amazingly sensitive. He loves so strongly, and he feels sadness so strongly. He really takes things to heart. Lately, he's been forming attachments to physical things that he says reminds him of when he was a baby. He went through a phase for a few weeks of clinging onto a silver baby rattle because he said it made him think of me and how much I loved him when he was a baby. He went on to do this with several items-- a baby blanket, a bracelet of mine, and a cap from a baby bottle. He will bring these items to me, and want me to acknowledge that they're important to me too, and that they make me think of him as a baby. I try to reassure him that I don't need those things to make me think of him as a baby, because I will never ever forget him when he was a baby, and moreover, I try to explain to him that I love the 4 year old him just as much as I loved the baby him.
My poor little boy. He has no idea what to do with all the emotion he's got bottled up in his heart and soul. And I have no idea how to address it. I do give them both a lot of affection. A lot. Way more than my sisters and I had as kids... and I just hope that if I just love them enough, it will be all they REALLY need to get them through ok.. but I'm not 100% convinced. I asked his teacher to please get me some names of "play therapists" that might help him learn how to express his feelings better and feel more secure in this odd and unsure world he's living in. Now I just need to work up the nerve to call some of them and find out how that all works.
Eesh. Some days it's all just too much.
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