Alone

My older son comes into my bed every night.  Every single night. At one point he'd come around midnight or 1ish, which was fine.  But lately, it's been earlier and earlier- like in the 10o'clock hour.  This doesn't work for me.  This is the hour that I'm either reading, or watching tv or online.  Just now, about 20 minutes ago, he made his appearance at my door, and I told him it's too early, and to go back to bed.  He got the sad face and shuffled his feet begrudgingly across the hall.  He asked me to stay with him, and I told him no, that this is my only time of day that I have to myself to watch "my shows" and be by myself.
He started to kick his legs around in bed, indicating the first stage of a panic attack and/or tantrum.   Great.  So I got in close and warned him to get a hold of himself.  "Take a deep breath and calm yourself down before you wake up your brother and make me really mad!"  Was my gentle way of easing him back off to dreamland.
This set him off into the quiet shakes of a little kid that is sincerely crying... not tantrum cries- those are very different, and LOUD.  No, this was silent, sincere tears.  After a few seconds of this, he choked out the words: "you just don't understand, mommy, you don't understand how it feels to be alone. I'm so alone in here at night."   And my heart just crumbled.  "Yes Baby, I do.  I do understand.  I know just how bad that feels.  C'mon Baby, you can come to my bed."
And there he sleeps now, not 6 inches from me, sleeping peacefully, knowing he is not alone.