"Ms" thing

I'm feeling relieved about the whole divorce thing happening, finally.   I surprised myself by the way I immediately felt the sadness of mourning for my marriage.   I remember when my sister got her finalized divorce papers in the mail, I congratulated her and assumed she'd be happy.. but she wasn't.  Not completely anyway.  I remember her trying to describe the emotion--- the relief of having it all be done with, but the sadness that comes with the real finality of it all.  The end of the dream that you once had for yourself as a younger woman.  I thought I understood what she meant at the time, but now that I've gone through it myself, I realize that I didn't really grasp the emotion back then. 

It IS sad.  It took me by surprise how the idea of being officially "single", or worse, "divorced" doesn't make me feel happy.  I liked being married, during the good years, anyway.  I liked having someone to call mine, someone to call my husband.  Now I am just me.  No team mate-- not that he's been a team mate for a very very long time, but now it's official.  Now it has a name, "divorced." 

I really don't know how to be single.  I was always a boyfriend girl.  From the time I was 18, I always had a boyfriend.  I was really never single for more than couple of weeks at a time, right up until I met John.   I always had someone new lined up, or at least in my mind before breaking up with the last one. 
Having my two sons to raise makes it easier I guess.  I don't have all day to sit around dreaming about the  new man that doesn't exist.  I have REAL priorities now.  Two little people who's very lives depend on me 100%.

I thought I could have a casual relationship a few months ago.  I was a complete disaster.  I don't know the first thing about having a casual fling with someone without getting emotionally attached and dependant.  Pathetic? Yes, maybe.  But I guess that's just not in me.  I care about people in my world.  And I like to be cared about too.  So, until someone comes along who wants to care about and for me, I guess I'm in this on my own.  And that's probably good.  I have enough to worry about between my own school, my sons, and yeah, looking for a new job- again.  This week I have to register my one son for kindergarten, and my second son for preschool.   Next on the agenda is t-ball and maybe karate, or some other martial art.  There's no sign of life slowing down, so why would I add to it? 

I'm gonna try my best to allow myself to mourn my marriage and give myself time to get over all of that stuff, and focus on the good things coming my way.  Like t-ball, and straight A's.