Because I am obviously a crazy person, I've decided to write this blog as though it was John's words. This blog entry is basically my fantasy of what John would write if he had a blog and if he could ever actually be honest about his feelings and thoughts outside of his own head. It is also sprinkled with some colorful thoughts of my own... either way, in my opinion, these are things that are accurate and need to be said... at least to me anyway. If I need to say it to myself, so be it.: (all thoughts and opinions expressed in this blog are strictly Judy's fantasy, they are not true..they are based on reality. These are MY thoughts on what I feel John "SHOULD be thinking..)
Judy: by John(but really Judy)
This past Friday was my son's "moving up" ceremony from pre-k3. I had to be up and out of the house before 6am to make it there in time. I feel like a champ for pulling that off.
I arrived at Judy's parent's house 5 minutes before we had to leave.. So glad, cause Judy would have torn my head off if I was late. She hates tardiness. HATES it! She finds it disrespectful, so I always try to be on time. Well, ok, I don't really try to be on time, but I always make sure I have a really good story for why I'm late.
The ceremony was cute. I enjoyed seeing how much he has grown this year. Earlier in the year I challenged Judy on why she thought pre-k was necessary and/or a good idea. I told her that J was still a baby at 3, and should not be in school. Now, I see it. He has learned so much and grown socially as well. I was so wrong. School has completely taken him out of his shell and taught him so much.
After the ceremony, we went back to Judy's parent's house to play in the yard and then went to Rain forest Cafe. Judy is truly amazing. When she is with the boys in the yard, she is completely in her element. Blowing bubbles, kicking balls up high, pushing them on the swings.. she is magical to them. She is at their beck and call. If they want the sprinkler or pool so they can get muddy and soaked, so be it. She doesn't bat an eye. She just collects their clothes at the end of the session and adds them to the pile. She is great. She's not just a Mom to them. She is fun, and a teacher, and a friend, and a nurse. What a wonderful woman she is. I know she gets overwhelmed a lot of the time, but then she collects herself and continues on. My Judy. The boys can't stand to be without her. If she walks in the house while they're outside, they fall apart. The need to have her in their sights at all times. I envy that. I wish my boys wanted and/or needed me that way. But they don't.
Sure, they miss me during the ten minute tantrum that R throws when they roll out of the driveway after a visit....but it's not like how they feel about their Mom.
***
***I wish I had treated Judy better. I wish I never told her one lie. I wish I had let her into my world when she asked so many times. She always knew when I was getting myself into trouble. She knew every single time. And I KNOW Judy. She would have been on my side if I'd been honest with her. Because that's who Judy is. I fucked up. I lied to her. I took advantage of her. I let her down. I stole from her. I broke her heart.. I broke her heart into a million pieces. I broke her. I may have ruined her forever. What I did to her may not be able to be undone. And I'm sorry. I am so so sorry. Judy will continue to be sad, and incomplete, and untrusting forever because of my decisions.
Judy doesn't deserve that weight on her.. but I know I can't lift it. So all I can say is: I am so so sorry Judy. You didn't deserve any of what I put you through. I wish I could promise to support you and the boys from here on out, but I think we both know that's a lie.
I apologize for forcing you to work crazy hours at a job you hate next year. I know that is your future, and that it's my fault. And I'm sorry.
****My short reply would be something to the effect of:
I forgive you, but I will never forget what you've done. You have no idea what normal is. I am lucky enough to have had a normal and very happy childhood. I forgive you and I pray for your heart and your soul. I pray that you don't use me or the boys as your victims anymore.
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