Lead me, guide me, show me, love me.

Lead me, guide me, show me, love me.  It's the little mantra I came up with last night.  I was laying in bed last night, (lying in bed? I don't know.. so much for my english degree) and I was finding myself in another one of those spots where I surrender my vulnerabilities over to God's will.  This is not an every day thing for me.  It is a very VERY rare thing for me.  Not to suggest that I take charge of my own life and "make things happen" either.

 I weave my way in and out of a few different ways of life, depending on my given circumstances at any given time, my financial situation at any given time, and even the seasons and weather can change the degree of my "get up and go."

I have a few degrees of get up and go:

1. straight up lazy.  take whatever comes my way.  try not to panic or get too excited about anything, and just basically survive.  make sure the boys are fed and clean and get to school on time.  

2. GO GET'M TIGER! mode.  This usually happens in good weather/ seasons.  I get back to the gym and/or walking and taking good care of myself.  Sometimes it's because I'm doing well in a class, or excited about something good in my near future.  I went through a brief stint where I tried dating again... or at least, some bastardized version of what my damaged mind considered dating.  As warped as I was during that time, it got me into a good place, physically, which led to feeling good mentally... if only for a while.

3.  The spiritual girl.  This is a good place in a way for me.  It's a good purging place for me.  I allow myself to forgive myself for a lot of shit, and to put myself in the hands of God.  I trust in him to show me a sign, and to put me back on the right track.
There was one time in my life before that I audibly asked Jesus to show me a sign... To PLEASE tell me, without a doubt of what I should do, regarding my marriage.. that was literally minutes before I found "crackers in my bed"--- seriously, ritz crackers in my bed that he hadn't slept in for months.  Jesus was toootally my homeboy that day.  I asked for a sign and he might as well have slapped it on my forehead.

Last night I asked God to please show me a sign of what to do next.  I do want to finish school to become a nurse.  But my heart and my gut is not in it.  I don't have the confidence right now.  My mom asked me the other night if I would consider a union job, if we knew someone that could help me.  I jumped, "YES! of course I would!"  I would so much rather be going to work every day and getting a paycheck and moving the boys and I forward in a positive direction without further delay.

Again, I do want to be a nurse.  It's something I've thought about since I was about 14 or so...  But I just don't have the get'up'n'go to do it now.

A big part of me is drudging through the school because my mother really wants me to, and I don't want to say no or let her down.  She does a LOT for me and the boys, and I owe her a lot.

(Deep Breath))))))

That said, I surrendered to God again last night, and it carried over to today.  I talked myself through dropping off J at kindergarten this morning.  I didn't want to let him go.  You all know why, I'm not going in that direction right now.. I'm sure I will, but it's still too much for me to even think about, let alone write about yet.

It was a very long day, waiting for the time to arrive that I could walk down the street to meet him at the bus stop.

When the time finally came, I was grateful that R had fallen asleep on the couch so that I could have a few minutes to myself to think.   

As I walked down the street, I said my mantra to myself, "lead me, guide me, show me, love me. lead me, guide me, show me, love me..."  at some point, I'm not sure when, it morphed into, "lead me, guide me, SHIELD me, love me. lead me, guide me, shield me, love me...."   I have no idea at what point it changed from "show me" to "shield me".  I really don't.  

Pretty powerful though, I think.  It's exactly what I need right now.  I need my heart and soul to be shielded.  So do all of us, as a nation, and on a broader scale, an  international whole, of parents.  We need to have our hearts, our souls, our sensibilities, and above all, our children, SHIELDED.   

Sometimes.  At least sometimes we need to feel protected from the bad.  And sometimes, sometimes we just can't. A lot lately.  Super storm sandy, and now sandy hook is attacking our hearts and souls.  And we need to be shielded.  It's all just too much.

...

......

On my walk down the street, when I had a few minutes to myself, I came across this beauty.. where she totally did NOT belong,

here's another view of her,

I included this second picture, despite the fact that it's not a great picture of the rose.. but it shows how all the leaves and grass and thorns around her are withered.  But she remains.

Well, I'll take it.  I haven't figured out what the message is exactly, how it should apply to me... but I am sure that it was a sign for me.    There's just no reason for this red rose to still be blooming so brightly, while she hangs on dead branches, other then to offer me hope.

I'm going to keep asking for signs, and trusting in God.

Some days, that's all we can do.

Hope, allegedly springs eternal.  Let's hope, and see.